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An expert has warned of the signs a couple is heading for divorce

A relationship expert has revealed the four telltale signs that a couple is heading for divorce — saying they’re “more common than you think.” 

Clinical psychologist Dr. Kathy Nickerson, of Orange County, California, explained that there are four main behaviors that indicate a split is ahead: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and opposition. 

Dr. Nickerson, who uses the work of psychologist and renowned marriage counselor Dr. John Gottman, said that while some of these behaviors seem harmless at first, they can lead to irreversible damage. 

“Did you know that there are four behaviors that if you use them in your relationship, they predict more than 90 percent a breakup or divorce?” she asked. ‘It’s true.

“The research on these four behaviors was done by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute in the Seattle Love Lab.

Gottman found that if some or all of these behaviors were present with enough frequency, the connection and friendship that is at the heart of a marriage would disappear.

“And once that happens, it’s hard for couples to turn around or stay in the relationship.”

CRITICISM

She said, “Criticism occurs when you make harsh judgments about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, character, appearance, and behavior.

“An example of criticism is, ‘Oh, so you’re just going to sit on the couch today, aren’t you? You’re such a lazy person, you never do anything to help, you’re such an asshole.’”

She explained that criticism hurts the relationship because it conveys judgment and lack of acceptance.

She warned, “If you don’t feel accepted and loved by your partner, you won’t feel comfortable sharing with them and your emotional bond will quickly deteriorate.”

CONTEMPT

The second is contempt which she says is “poison to a relationship.”

“We act with contempt when we convey through our words or facial expressions that our partner is worthless, disgusting, or less than,” she said.

Constant bickering does NOT make you stronger 

Dr. Kathy said you should pay attention to your own behavior and make changes, and ask your partner to make changes too.

She said, “I’m a big fan of asking what you want in a relationship, it’s so much faster and more efficient than hinting or waiting for your partner to find out.”

Dr. Kathy added: “It’s not enough just to tell your partner you love him, it’s important how you treat him.

“I don’t think it’s a sign of strength to say you’ve hurt each other and you’re both fine. Can a plant survive if you pour bleach on it every day?

“Well, maybe you can, for a while but why would you want to do something you knew was harmful?”

“An example of contempt is ‘I can’t believe I married such a disgusting person. You really let yourself go. Looking at you repels me.’”

She explained that Gottman found that contempt is the main predictor of divorce within the first six years of a marriage.

She said, “It’s hard to like or feel safe with someone who constantly tells you how flawed and damaged you are.”

STONEWALLING

The next is “stonewalling” – when you shut down and withdraw from a conversation while your partner is speaking.

This can go as far as getting up and leaving the room to get away from the partner when they are talking.

She said, “Stonewalling is so deadly to a relationship because we need to feel that our partner listens to us and cares about our feelings.

“If our partner just walks away from us, we feel unheard, misunderstood, unappreciated and start to feel very unloved and disconnected.”

DEFENSIVE

The fourth and final behavior is defensive.

dr. Kathy explained that this is when someone jumps to defend themselves in a conversation with their partner instead of taking responsibility.

She said, “If your partner tells you why he or she was hurt by something you did and you are quick to respond to every explanation as to why it wasn’t possible, chances are you’re being defensive.”

She warned that defensiveness is problematic for a relationship because both partners need to feel they can influence the other in order to feel “safe.”

Not being able to do that can lead to feelings of powerlessness and less closeness with your partner, she says.

Worried about YOUR marriage? This is how you tackle any problem 

It’s not too late to get over it – but you need to know what to do about it, and it’s not always easy. 

“Start by being more positive, kind, helpful, and more complimentary to your partner,” she said.

‘Try to generate some goodwill and then add some fun to the mix – watch a new show together, play a game, go for a walk.

“The combination of positivity and fun is very healing for a relationship.”

She added: “There is no perfect person, there is no perfect relationship or marriage.

“Your relationship can be as happy and healthy as you want it to be if you pay attention, listen, validate feelings, and act with compassion and care.”

Here Dr. Kathy how to tackle each of the four main problems- 

  • Criticism: Is your partner overly critical? Then ask them to give feedback in a friendly and kind way.’
  • Contempt: ‘Do any of you act with contempt? If so, consider how toxic this is to your relationship and challenge yourself to communicate with compassion and respect.”
  • Defensive: “If you or your partner is defensive, try to catch yourself. People need to be listened to and validated before hearing explanations or arguments. “So ask yourself: have they fully articulated their idea and have I confirmed their feelings? If so, then it’s okay to give you an explanation. If not, stop and listen before you say otherwise.’
  • Setbacks: “If either of you is having a hard time, try asking for a break instead. Many people block when they feel emotionally overwhelmed during a conversation. Instead of just getting up and checking out, ask for a break and then go to a quiet place and calm yourself.”

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