On/Off Relationships: 2 Science-Backed Reasons You Keep Going Back For More
Of all the toxic patterns in romantic relationships, the on-again-off-again relationship is possibly the hardest to put an end to. The cycle of breaking up, craving familiarity and intimacy, going back for more, and realizing why you broke up in the first place can be hard to overcome.
Despite its many flaws, the allure of an on/off relationship can be difficult to resist. This is because it can feel like the perfect combination of predictable familiarity and thrilling uncertainty. However, the psychological costs of such a relationship are, most of the time, not worth it.
A study published in Personal Relationships found that people in on/off relationships are far more likely to report negatives about their relationship (like communication problems and uncertainty) and less likely to report positives (like love and understanding from their partner), highlighting the overall impact of this volatile relationship arrangement.
If the thought of breaking off your on/off relationship has crossed your mind, here are two obstacles you might need to overcome in order to fully break free.
1. Your On/Off Relationship Is Fulfilling a Hidden Need for You
An interesting point about on/off relationships discussed in a 2011 study published in the Journal of Personal and Social Relationships is that, even though relational stress and uncertainty tend to be the most common features of these types of relationships, most people also report positive feelings about their on/off relationship.
This could mean that an on/off relationship might be serving a purpose for both members involved, no matter how unhealthy. For instance, an on/off relationship held together by a codependent bond could be extremely difficult to unravel.
A 2018 study published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction outlines the core nature and characteristics of codependency, which include:
- A lack of a clear sense of self
- Patterns of extreme emotional, relational, and occupational imbalance
2. You Are Scared of Being Vulnerable All Over Again with Someone New
A 2021 study identifies dating anxiety as one of the biggest obstacles people face when forming new romantic relationships. For someone with severe dating anxiety, an on/off relationship might just ensure that they never have to move on.
The study highlights that, in addition to the fear of rejection, an individual with dating anxiety also fears rejecting potential romantic partners. While being rejected and turning down potential suitors are both necessary and formative dating experiences, dating anxiety can stop you from taking these chances at all, making you vulnerable to loneliness, stagnation, and unhealthy patterns of behaviour like on/off relationships.
An on/off relationship can create a familiar and comfortable space in your life where one does not have to face these fears. You know that you can always go back and your partner knows that you will eventually just let them in.
Conclusion
An on/off-again relationship, over time, can create the illusion of stability. However, the people in the relationship are always aware of the instability and lack of trust that is necessary to sustain it. Shedding your unhealthy attachments and gaining insight into your needs and wants can help you protect yourself from falling into complacent patterns.
