Facing the unavoidable challenges of life
There are certain realities that we all must face as human beings. In existential therapy, these are called existential givens. In 1980, Irvin Yalom famously described four core existential givens that have become central to this approach to therapy: death, isolation, freedom, and meaning. They can also be seen as areas of tension, e.g., the tension between life and death, between isolation and connection, between freedom and responsibility, and between meaning and meaningless. Yalom was not the first to explore these themes, which have been addressed by countless philosophers and religious traditions going back generations.
Some traditions may focus on other givens, or describe them differently. For instance, Buddhism posits that suffering is a defining feature of life and also concerns itself with exploring the inherent nature of the self. It may be worth reflecting on your own traditions, upbringing, and current worldview. What challenges do you believe are fundamental to the human experience?
Many people find Yalom’s four existential givens to be a useful starting point for exploring the challenges of life. If you are having difficulties, it can be useful to consider which domains might be involved. For instance, during the COVID-19 crisis, many of us have been grappling with an increased fear of sickness or death. We may have also noticed people seeming to treat life with disrespect by behaving recklessly and endangering others. This also brings up questions about personal freedom as well as responsibility to ourselves and others. Relatedly, the social distancing, lockdowns, and quarantines have led to increased feelings of isolation and disconnection.
Noticing the ways that our suffering is connected to universal human challenges can be profoundly validating. It helps us realize that these questions are common, and we aren’t alone in our struggle. This realization alone can relieve our sense of isolation and help us feel more connected to others.
Consider how you cope with the existential givens of life, and whether they are serving you are not. Generally speaking, adaptive ways of coping include those which help create meaning and address the tensions inherent to each of the four givens. They might include spiritual or philosophical beliefs or life experiences that help us understand the value of life and reality of death. Some activities can help us connect to others through community, and better cope emotionally with our inherent separation from others. Some of our relationships, education, hobbies, or professional activities might also support us in making sense of the existential givens of life.
Importantly, addressing the existential givens often involves developing comfort with discomfort, tolerance for uncertainty, and willingness to live with the inherent tensions of life. The existential givens defy easy answers or solutions, and this is why they are such pervasive areas of challenge in people’s lives.
There are unhelpful ways of coping with the existential givens as well. One common approach is simply trying to avoid these deeper concerns through distraction, pleasure-seeking, or short-term rewards. While these activities can be enjoyable and we all deserve time to rest and play, never looking at the bigger questions of life—and actively trying to avoid them when they come to mind—does not serve us in the long run. Another unhelpful strategy is to become too rigid or rulebound in our life, to cling to “the answers,” in order to avoid the discomfort that can arise when considering the inevitable tensions of life.
If you never think about the existential givens, it may be because you have developed a worldview that serves you, but it might also be related to a habit of distracting yourself from them or feeling like you have it “all figured out.” Ultimately, a good litmus test is whether life feels appropriately fulfilling to you, or if you feel haunted by something you can’t quite name. If you are plagued by the question, “Is this all there is?” or grappling with waves of emotional distress that are hard to manage or understand, then some more reflection on how you might address these existential givens may be a useful next step towards greater well-being.
